Awake and Dreaming

At night I lay with my limbs intertwined with his. I can feel him breathing hot minty air on my neck and cheek. His face is so close to mine that I can feel the tips of his long eyelashes resting against my skin. It seems so peaceful where he is. Asleep.

"I want to be where you are baby. I miss it there."

I could fall into you
the affectionate inviting heart of you
cradled snug in the levels of your existence
cuddled up with quiet longing persistence
I could fall, but you wouldn't catch me
I could fall, but you turn from me, passively

I miss everything regarding what you do
still trying to fall into you
but I can't even imagine where you are
running out of sheep and counting stars
and as I lay me down, awake and dreaming of sleeping
the insomniac hours are mine for the keeping

Sleeping pills contemptuously resting on the shelf
I reach for the container to save me from myself
I close my eyes for a minute
I'm lucid but slowly fading in it
back through the folds and my mind is free
I'm falling -sleep, come rescue me

A Fraction of Myself: Beginning from an End

A Fraction of Myself:
I once heard someone ask that if we are reincarnate souls and we have 10x's the population we did centuries ago, where did all these souls come from? Had they just been waiting for their day or is it set up that every time we die only half of ourselves are able to come back, where the other half is recycled into a new human spirit? Am I only a fraction of the person I used to be eons ago... 1/16th of my spiritual possibility, having random encounters with pieces of myself through the eyes of my friends and family?

Beginning from an End:
We've got curves, we've got swerves in all different kinds of places
Like, the curves of our hips or the swerves shadowing our faces
Or how the spaces of my paces, one foot in front of the other
swerves my hips like a tree in the wind, from one side to another.

When . . .
my mother would cover my eyes she'd say,
"Our beauty mirrors the earth,"
from the smile in her sunrise, to the cries of each birth
and the worth of the world is weighed in each and every creation
to recycle life and add exuberance from her imagination

You see . . .
reincarnation, in my interpretation, is a Beginning from an End
and every time you come back your spirit will transcend,
descending history, bending centuries as our dreams links and traces
mind straining for higher gnosis to fill gaps and spaces
each face maps and places souls we've met and where we've been
from the familiar axis of each feature to the symmetry of each grin

Now . . .
within the final moments, as my eyes begin to close
the positions of my lifelines shift and juxtapose
the present day self transposes with the past
the day has seen the dawn of my lessons and I exhale at last.

Honeycombs and Caffeine

I'm an early morning Cereal killer
I find honeycombs to be the best stomach filler
a cup of coffee, is my sobering healer
and the Mercury funnies are a line for line thriller

The city streets are humming a low Sunday tune
and the Bay Area fog rolls in, even though it's June
I'm just waking up and it's well past noon
slowly joining in on the sultry city croon

Side corner coffee shop is calling my name
getting through traffic is a dangerous frogger game
I come here every day and my order's always the same
"Large quad shot eye opener," the others are too tame

Emo kid behind the counter, too depressed to give a smile
discontented youth, he says joy is overrated and vile
I have nothing to say to him proving life's worthwhile
so I compliment is hairdo and his dark eyeliner style

he says,"It's unfriendly here where people are so busy.
The taller the buildings the more lonely the city
but in the solitude, sadness can become pretty.
I'd rather step back and observe life intently."

I nod keeping my sunny disposition at bay
as I sip my hot cup of caffeine and scurry on my way
onto sunnier people, with much less to say
besides, my belly's way too full and it's been a good day.

Get It Together, Girl

If you want to know what life was like without you,
it felt very drunk.

I spent a lot of mornings apologizing for the night before.
I'm still sorry for the mess I made on that car, in that house,
and the one I made of my life.

Life felt like an empty room in a very big house
like a churning stomach and a sleepless night,
like someone feeling very uncomfortable in her own skin.
The pain was cutting and the scars are deep.
Deep in my heart, in my memory, on my flesh.
I could still see the scars but when the pain was starting to fade,
it was a false recovery that I didn't realize, until now.

This all was due largely to the destructive distraction,
the boy I thought I was trying to save, but didn't need or want my saving.
How can I clean up someone elses mess,
when my very own mess was causing my head to spin.
Together we made one fantastic mess,
two people united by one subconscious downward spiral.

We were reckless . . .
no, wait, he was reckless and I went along for the ride.

He was a car crash into a train wreck
and I walked into his self-destructive behavior, like a bird aimlessly gliding into glass.

All I saw was clear skies -never the impending impact.

Tell me stories,
make promises out of lies,
feed me pills and fill me with false hope,
I was begging for it.

Please, save me from myself.

Sugary sweet hours of blissful zoning,
gave way for me to escape this world, myself,
my wreckless companion
and you.
Enough to make me think I was getting over you,
not just distracting myself from the hurt.

If you want to know what life was like without you,
it felt cheep and abusive.
It felt like I was looking for anyone to hurt me,
because I was tired of hurting myself.

It felt like bottom-shelf whiskey,
a dive-bar jukebox,
stripper dust and filth.
That dive of a place,
was starting to feel like home,
and the hazy drunkenness . . . comfortable,
as comfortable as a Pink Floyd song.
I wasn't thinking about you any more.
I didn't need you anymore, in that place.

If you want to know what life was like without you,
it felt like abandonment.
it felt like my distraction found solace
in the arms of someone with a warm bed and kind eyes.
It felt like alone would feel,
when your friends are tired of your drunken behavior.
It felt like a girl who wasn't even good enough
for a boy who's life is like a car crash into a train wreck.

Life felt like an empty room in a very big house
like a churning stomach and a sleepless night,
like someone feeling very uncomfortable in her own skin.
like a dive bar stool and 2am promises,
like tears in the bottom of a shot glass, crying "get it together girl."
get it together.
Get it together, girl.

If you want to know what life is like without you,
it feels like a cut of the flesh finally healing
and a sober morning.
It feels like a garage sale,
like the purging of all of your things.
It feels like an out of state move and a new apartment.
It feels like a new job and a fresh start.
Like a mess of a girl finally getting it together.